


I Swear I'm Not In Love With Him

by Oyster101



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, M/M, Vampire Fay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 14:49:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10389213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oyster101/pseuds/Oyster101
Summary: "I have a terribly important question for you, Kuro-tan. Do you like blondes or brunettes?"Fai initiates a purely sexual relationship with Kurogane, but Kurogane wants more.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to thank the people who gave me requests for this - they were all ones I would have really enjoyed writing. I was going to write two requests, but unfortunately my classes have started piling on the work and so I won't have anymore time for writing in the foreseeable future. I wrote the request from Larkawolfgirl - I hope it's at least something like what you had in mind.

Everything began in a pretty, wooded country, outside a house, in the middle of the night. Or... perhaps the *very* start came earlier, when Fai first met Kurogane. He'd liked him right from the start, after all.  
Back to that night in the woods, though, because that was when things had really started to move. That was the night when, as Yuuko put it, Fai made a major miscalculation (although how *she* knew about it was anyone's guess).  
The whole party (with the exception of Shaoran) had been drinking – quite a bit. Even Kurogane was a slightly tipsy – to help him “put up with all the meowing” he said. Sakura and Mokona had both passed out and been put to bed. Shaoran had fallen asleep in the princess' room. So Fai and Kurogane were sitting alone in the garden, finishing up the last scraps of alcohol.  
After Sakura passed out, Fai hadn't had the energy to keep on meowing and had turned quiet. He was thinking about Celes, now, and King Ashura, and the strange man who had planned this whole journey. He was also thinking about how much he wanted to *stop* thinking about the afore-mentioned subjects. They made his head feel too heavy, and prompted unpleasant images to sneak into his brain. Like the sight of Fai's dead body, or how his companions would look at him if they ever found out the truth...  
“What is it?”  
“Mmmm?” Fai shook himself.  
“You were looking worried.” Kurogane said.  
Fai gave him a big smile. “Actually, I have a terribly important question for you, but I wasn't sure whether I should ask.”  
“Let's hear it.”  
“Eh... well... the thing I was wondering is...” He tried to think of something. “Do you prefer blonds or brunettes?”  
The look of disgust Kurogane gave him was so perfect that he felt better immediately.  
“Don't look at me like that, Kuro-puu!” He pouted in fake offense. “It's truly truly an important question!”  
Actually, he would quite like to know. Hadn't Kurogane mentioned once that most people in Japan had black hair? In Celes, there were hardly any ginger people, and as a result they were very much sought after. Was it the same with blondes in Japan? So *did* Kurogane like blondes then? It would be ever so typical if he the only person in Japan who didn't like blondes. He didn't seem to like the exotic much, after all. How depress- wait no. Not depressing. It wasn't like he in love with Kurogane or something, and even if he *was* he could never be with him. He could never have that kind of relationship with anyone. His only purpose was to bring back Fai, and then end his life. He didn't deserve to take anything for himself, least of all someone's love. Least of all Kurogane's, who he might have to kill...  
Fai pulled himself away from that train of thought, and realised that he still hadn't got an answer. Or any kind of response for that matter. Kurogane was just looking at him, like he was calculating something. Fai hoped his thoughts hadn't been showing.  
“Kuro-pipi, don't look at me like I said something strange!”  
“Why?”  
“What?”  
Kurogane leaned forward and caught a piece of Fai's hair.  
“Is there a reason why *you* want to know if I like blondes?”  
Fai's breath caught. He wasn't in love with Kurogane. He really wasn't. He was just... strongly attracted to him. And he wasn't, wasn't *wasn't* used to being touched this gently by him. Or touched by him at all in fact. Except when he got grabbed by the collar.  
“N-nothing in particular. I mean no reason in particular.” Oh *no* he was blushing. Was there enough light for Kurogane to see it?  
Perhaps there wasn't, because Kurogane dropped the lock of hair and turned away, leaving Fai to try and collect himself. Fai lent away from him and tried to calm his heart. Stupid! He'd been stupid just now. He'd let Kurogane catch him off guard, and his facade had slipped. He had to keep smiling, always. He mustn't let anyone break into the things that lay behind that, and once they started there would be no end to it. If it was starting to show, then he had to stop thinking about Kurogane. But it was just so hard. Kurogane was the only subject that could distract him from thoughts of King Ashura, and Fai, and what would happen if his curses activated, and it was just *so* pleasant to forget that. And how did one go about suppressing sexual attraction anyway? Fai certainly had no idea. If only there was some way to let it out – something more effective than the obvious way, that is. He'd tried *that* already, and it clearly wasn't working. Some way...  
And then he had a brilliant idea. He could never have a romantic relationship, but if it was just about sexual attraction... A purely physical relationship wouldn't bring them any closer, would it? He'd done it before, a few times. Such relationships were a way for both parties to satisfy their lust, nothing more. He'd had no trouble keeping an emotional distance from his previous partners, and Kurogane would be the same. Yes, the more he thought about it the better it sounded. He could keep up his facade, while at the same time having a release for his interest in Kurogane. What's more, it would help distract him from his worries. That was how this whole episode had started, after all. He'd been so caught up in his worries that it had started to show... Yes, it was decided. Although hadn't someone once told him not to make important decisions while drunk? Oh well, he'd never bothered about that sort of advice before. And there was no time like the present. He *knew* someone had said *that*.  
Fai turned back to Kurogane.  
“Actually, Kuro-mu...”  
“Don't call me that.”  
“Actually, Kuro-pon, there was a reason why I asked you that.”  
“What is it?”  
“Well, I was thinking that if you did prefer blondes...”  
“...then what?” Kurogane asked.  
“Well, if you did...” Fai moved closer to Kurogane and trailed the fingers of one hand suggestively down his companion's chest. He heard a little hitch of breath, and felt encouraged. “If you did, then I thought perhaps we could do something fun.”  
Kurogane was absolutely still under his hand, and Fai could feel him wavering, his decision hanging in the balance. To make sure he fell off the correct side of the balance, Fai stretched up and pressed his lips to Kurogane's. For a second there was no response, and then Fai felt arms sneaking around his back, pulling him closer.  
It was the best thing Fai had ever felt. Kurogane's body heat was all around him, his tongue crept into Fai's mouth, and two large hands twisted into golden hair. Then, after a minute, he pulled away, scooping Fai into his arms and carrying him into the house. Fai felt him open several doors, and then he was dropped onto a soft, comfortable mattress. Turning his head he could see Souhi propped beside the bed head, so he knew they were in Kurogane's room.  
There was a soft thump, and the bed moved as Kurogane climbed on top of him. Lying there, with the ninja bending over him, he felt at once very vulnerable and deliciously safe. His tongue sneaked out over his lips and he stretched his arms up, pulling Kurogane down to be kissed. The other man drew closer, more than willing to comply. He supported himself on one arm, and Fai felt the other first cup his chin, and then move to undo his clothes. He reciprocated, and was exploring Kurogane's abbs and chest long before the other had done with his buttons. He got them open eventually, though, and Fai felt his mouth move away, to his neck, his collarbones, and then down to lick at his nipples. A sharp little moan came out of Fai's mouth and Kurogane redoubled his attentions, trying to elicit more.  
Both men were getting erect, and Fai felt Kurogane's hands reach down to undo his trousers. His body had become incredibly sensitive, and when Kurogane's hand brushed the lump in his trousers it made him whimper. It didn't take Kurogane long to get the lower garments off, and he pulled Fai's trousers and underwear down in one go. Fai was left completely naked, his body flushed, breath a little fast, and looking up at Kurogane with an expression that could have turned on the most unsusceptible of men. Kurogane, it seemed, was *not* the most unsusceptible of men, and the effect of all this was visible in his expression. There was lust and desire in it, and – though Fai never noticed this – perhaps the tinniest bit of sadness, as if this made him want something that he couldn't have.  
“Kuro-rin, hurry...” Fai said, spreading his legs a little and looking up at Kurogane. “I want you. Now!”  
Kurogane didn't answer but gently parted Fai's thighs, bending in to kiss them as he did so. Then he paused.  
“We don't have any lube. Will you be all right?”  
“I'll be fine!” Fai said impatiently. He sat up, grabbed Kurogane's hand and began sucking his fingers. “There, that'll do it. I'm probably all wet by now anyway, because Kuro-sama's making me wait such a long time!”  
Kurogane reached back, and pushed one of the wet fingers against Fai's entrance. It slipped in easily, and he began gently rubbing it back and forth, making Fai moan uncontrollably. Then he added a second finger and began stretching out Fai's entrance.  
“Kuro-sama, that's enou-OUGH!” Fai whined. He felt the fingers slide out, and then something much bigger pushed inside him. When it was all inside Kurogane paused.  
“Are you all right? It doesn't hurt?”  
Fai shook his head, and Kurogane began moving slowly in and out. Once Fai seemed used to it he began moving faster, hitting the blonde's prostate with each thrust. Fai's hands twisted in the sheets. He made a continuous string of little cries, as if he wanted to communicate but had forgotten how to speak. As he came closer to his climax, the sounds increased in volume and occasional words made their way out of his mouth.  
“Ahn! AHN! Kuro-sama I'm going to coooome!”  
White liquid splurted over Fai's stomach, and after a few more thrusts he felt Kurogane come inside him, filling him with hot seed.  
Fai melted against the bed, utterly exhausted. He felt Kurogane pull out and lie down beside him. An arm hooked over his body, and to his surprise he felt himself pulled closer and cuddled. He wriggled away.  
“I should get back to my room now. We can't have the kids and Mokona see me come out of your room in the morning.” He slid off the bed and started putting on his cloths.  
Kurogane frowned at him. “You can stay a while and still leave before they're awake.”  
“But I might go to sleep.”  
“I'll wake you up.”  
“But Kuro-pu might go to sleep, and then we'd have a disaster on our hands.” He skipped to the door (or tried to, but his legs were a little wobbly). “Goodnight!”

***

When Fai came downstairs next morning, the others were already up. Sakura was sitting opposite Shaoran, listening animatedly to something about archaeology. Kurogane and Mokona sat at the other end of the table, fighting over a bowl of cereal.  
“Oh, good morning Fai-san.” Sakura smiled at him. “Me and Shaoran-kun tried making a cooked breakfast this morning. There's some keeping hot in the kitchen, if you'd like.”  
“Thank you Sakura-chan, Shaoran-kun! It smells yummy!” Fai skipped off to the kitchen, humming. He began clattering through cupboards, getting out a plate and some cutlery. As he was making tea for himself, he sensed someone come into the room. He turned.  
“Good morning, Kuro-mu!”  
“Morning.” The ninja came and leaned against the counter beside him. As Fai looked away again, he raised a hand and began gently stroking the mage's hair. Fai ducked away, surprised.  
“Kuro-rin? What are you doing?”  
Kurogane pulled his hand away but ignored the question, simply going back to the dining-room and his breakfast. Fai shrugged and started scooping food onto his plate. He found Kurogane's behaviour strange and just a little flustering, but it was probably nothing. Kuro-rin was kind, so perhaps he was worrying about how Fai's body was feeling after last night. Speaking of which, last night had definitely been a good idea. He had slept more soundly than usual, with far fewer nightmares. Not to mention that the act itself had been *extremely* enjoyable. Definitely an experience that he wanted to repeat - tonight, if possible. And he didn't see why it shouldn't be.  
He was right, it was possible. Kurogane seemed a little reluctant when the mage first sneaked into his bedroom, but in the end he sighed gave in not *too* unwillingly. Like last night, each indulged in the other's body. Like last night, Kurogane asked Fai to stay with him afterwards, even for a little while. Like last night, Fai refused. 

***

The next day, it became necessary that *someone* in the party should go shopping. It was natural that Fai should go, since he did almost all the cooking and therefore knew what they needed. Kurogane was selected to go with him since he was, as Mokona put it, “good at carrying heavy stuff”.  
The town was a mile from the house they were staying in, but the walk was pleasant enough that they didn't mind. Fai walked along humming and listening to Kurogane grumble about how he'd been forced to come along. It was sunny today, and he felt quite good. Almost happy, actually.  
“...nd since when do I take orders from a talking meat bun anyway?!” Kurogane griped.  
“Don't be such a grump, Kuro-pon. You'll get premature wrinkles.” He stretched up and poked at the crease between Kurogane's eyebrows. “Besides, you'll ruin our date if you keep on being whiney!”  
He said it without thinking, meaning it only as a joke. Kurogane, however looked sharply at him.  
“Then this is a date?” There was no implied answer in his voice - he genuinely wanted to hear what Fai would say. The mage withdrew his hand and looked away, a hint of unease creeping into his mind.  
“Of course I'm only teasing, Kuro-rin. We're just food shopping.” He could hear the defensive edge to his own voice.  
“I know.”  
Kurogane accepted his answer with no more comment than that, and Fai tried to persuade himself that it had meant nothing. Perhaps Kuro-pipi had been trying to make a joke. It would be something like that - it must be something like that. It *must*... He shook himself and tried to enjoy the shopping, but some part of him still felt uncomfortable.  
The discomfort continued all day, and he should have known better than to go to Kurogane's room that night. Some part of him did know better, really. He even got into his own bed, thinking maybe he should just stay there but – but he lay shivering in the dark, and he couldn't do it. He couldn't face a night of seeing Fai's broken, dead body and King Ashura following him, endlessly, endlessly until he had nowhere left to run... He started to shake and almost ran out of the room. No, he couldn't do it. Not when there was some alternative. In just two nights, he had become a slave to the warmth and comfort that Kurogane could give him.  
And so he kept seeking it out. Every night that there was somewhere private, somewhere where the others wouldn't see, he sought out Kurogane and wormed his way into the other man's arms. As for Kurogane, he never made any strong objection to the tryst, but every night he would ask Fai to stay with him. Kurogane's request and his own refusal became part of the routine to Fai, almost like a ritual, or a price that he had to pay for his pleasure. What was more, whenever they were alone Kurogane would... touch him. Not in a sexual way – Fai wouldn't have minded that. It was the utter lack of intent behind them that made Fai come to hate these little caresses. And yet he still went to Kurogane whenever he could, despite the growing awareness that he was doing wrong by the other man, and by himself. Kurogane's warmth was to Fai like a flame is to a moth – an irresistible attraction.  
It wasn't until Tokyo when Fai realised that, without knowing it, he'd gotten burnt.

***

The conclusion of - well, if not everything then a good many things – took place in a dull, rocky country where there was never any daylight. It came after Tokyo, but it wasn't Infinity, and it wasn't the country that had been ravaged by Shaoran, either. It was a bare, cold country, with no feathers and no real reason why they should stay. They only stopped there for a while to let their wounds heal and their minds adjust to the new situation.  
Fai and Kurogane both concentrated on supporting the princess and Li Shaoran. Mokona tried to support everybody. For four days after leaving Tokyo, nothing was said about the changes to Fai. Fai himself ignored them completely, giving no indication that he was any different from before. But, although they all slept separately, he never went into Kurogane's room. Not until the fifth day, and that happened unintentionally.  
It was late, and he had just been to check on the princess and Mokona – they had both been fast asleep. He felt a little relieved, a he walked back along the corridor. None of them had slept well since Tokyo, and Sakura least of all. It was good that she was getting some rest.  
As he walked past Kurogane's door, though, a hand grabbed his arm. His relief dissipated immediately, and veins of tension ran through his body.  
“What do you want, Kurogane.” He had an unpleasant suspicion that the ninja had been waiting for him.  
“You need to eat.”  
“I don't know what you mean. I've been taking my meals just like the rest of you, haven't I?”  
“You know quite well what I mean.”  
Fai narrowed his eyes. “I don't want it.”  
Kurogane sighed, and raised his right hand. It held a dagger. “I thought you might say that.”  
“What are you-?” For a moment, Fai was truly frightened. He almost tried to grab the dagger, but held back, thinking it would be better to hide his emotion from Kurogane. The ninja let go of Fai, raising his arm instead and making a substantial cut near the wrist. The blood that dripped from it caught Fai's eyes, and he gazed at it in the manner of a dog gazing at a sandwich. Kurogane noticed, and seemed to approved.  
“You don't have to drink, if you don't want to. But until you do, I'll just let this bleed.”  
“Oh well then, I suppose it just can't be helped. Isn't that right, Kurogane?”  
Fai gripped Kurogane's arm and was about to drink, but Kurogane tugged at him with his other hand.  
“Come in here to do it. The kids probably wont wake up, but if they do then I'd prefer they didn't see.”  
Fai agreed with him, but he didn't relish the thought of being in Kurogane's room. It brought up thoughts and feelings that he'd rather avoid and, besides, he felt the tinniest hint of suspicion about the ninja's motives. Still he had to admit that, should Sakura or Mokona wake up, he would rather that they didn't see him slurping Kurogane's blood as soon as they opened their door. He nodded, and walked into the room. Kurogane shut the door, then went and sat down on the bed.  
“Why do you want to do it there?” Fai said suspiciously.  
“Because I don't know how much you'll need to drink, and if I start feeling weak then I'd rather be sitting down.” Kurogane said evenly.  
“Oh.”  
Kurogane held out his arm again.  
“Come on.”  
Fai had wondered what drinking blood would be like. He read stories about vampires, occasionally, and they seemed to say it was an erotic act that gave both parties a great deal of pleasure. It really was very, very good - but in a hungry, foody way, not a sexual one. Fai drank greedily, lapping up the red liquid and even worrying at the wound when it didn't come quickly enough.  
“That's enough for now. I'll give you more soon, but I need to recover first.”  
Fai made a noise of displeasure and ignored Kurogane.  
“Oi!” Kurogane grabbed his face and forced him away. “I said that's enough!”  
Fai resisted him for a minute and then, as the yellow of his eyes changed to blue again, he went limp. His eyes wondered over the tooth marks and worried flesh around Kurogane's wound, and he started to shiver.  
“Did I do that?” He asked.  
“Don't worry about it. You were hungry.” He moved his arm away and began to bandage it up.  
“I'm sorry.” Fai's voice came out very, very quietly.  
Kurogane looked at him without saying anything for a minute, then he reached a hand down and raised Fai's face so he could see it properly. Gently, still without saying anything, he used his sleeve to wipe away the blood around Fai's mouth. Then, even more gently, he kissed Fai and folded him into his arms.  
“It's all right. It's not your fault, and a little wound like that won't bother me anyway. So don't start hurting yourself over that as well!”  
Fai wriggled desperately in the ninja's arms,but Kurogane was too strong.  
“Stop it! Let me go! Don't touch me!”  
Kurogane's arms loosened just enough for Fai to pull away, but before he could flee the room he felt his wrist caught, and held tightly.  
“I said don't touch me!”  
“That's *not* what you were saying before Tokyo.”  
“Oh, is that what you want then? You want me to stay and have sex with you? Because I don't want to!”  
“You know that's not what I want. Sex was always what *you* wanted.”  
“Really? You seemed quite happy to go along with it!”  
“I went along with it because I thought, even if it was just a physical relationship, it might bring us even one step closer to being lovers. That night, when you first suggested sleeping together – that was the first time I felt sure you were attracted to me. But you're so skittish and you never get close to anyone. I knew that if I asked for us to be lovers strait away then you'd get spooked and I'd loose any chance I had. So I slept with you and hoped that, gradually, it would lead to something more. I *know* you knew how I felt, and you're not a cruel person. I don't believe that, if you felt nothing for me, you would have kept on asking me to sleep with you.”  
Kurogane had been looking strait into the blonde's one good eye as he spoke. Now, though, Fai broke eye contact, frightened that his face would show something.  
“Keep on dreaming your little dreams! I slept with you because there were no other options! I couldn't exactly seduce Shaoran, could I, and it was to much bother to find someone new in every world! Sleeping with *you*, though – I admit it was good physically, but afterwards I would feel so dirty!Afterwards, in bed – there were nights when I thought I was going to be sick! But somehow, by the end of the next day, I always needed something to distract me so badly that I would go and do it again.”  
He was still looking away – half because he was frightened, half because he couldn't *bare* to see Kurogane's expression. Then he felt something – a callused finger gently stroking his cheek bone. He turned towards the ninja.  
“You're crying.” It was Kurogane who said this.  
And then Fai was downright terrified.  
He scratched at Kurogane's face, at the hand that held him, at the hand which *had* been stroking his cheek and now moved to shield his attacks.  
“Stop it! Stop it! Stay away from me! Just stay away, stay away stay away!” He would have screamed it, but the his finale atom of sanity told him that the *last* thing he wanted was the kids waking up.  
“Calm down!” Kurogane said to him but he didn't, so the ninja grabbed him and pinned him to the bed. “I said calm down!”  
Fai simply squirmed against the bed clothes, with nothing on his mind but getting Kurogane farther away from him, or himself farther away from Kurogane. He didn't care which, but someone had to get away quick – before something bad happened.  
“Let go! Let go! You don't love me! You don't really love me anyway!” He genuinely wished it were true – for Kurogane's sake, and for the sake of his own, tiny world. A bare world that contained nothing but two little boys and a man sleeping below the surface of a lake. A world which, at this moment, felt as if it's walls would shatter and let in something terrifying.  
“Calm down, mage. And I do love you.”  
“No you don't! You just think you do, because you think I'm a nice person but you don't know about it all, none of you know, and even though Sakura-chan's so nice I-” Fai was pulled abruptly from his hysteria by a sharp pain in his wrists and shoulder – the places where Kurogane was gripping him.  
“What is this thing that we don't know about? And what exactly does it have to do with the princess?”  
Fai wished with all his heart that he could travel back in time and bite his own tongue off. Perhaps he could ask Yuuko about it later, if he was still alive then. Kurogane's fingers tightened even more, and he whimpered.  
“Mage! Answer me!”  
Fai shook his head and pressed his face into the bed clothes.  
“All right then. I'll wake the white meat-bun up and ask the witch.”  
Fai's head almost jumped up from the bedclothes.  
“She wont know! She can't tell you anything!”  
“You want to bet on that?”  
“Even if she can, you'll have to pay a price!”  
Kurogane made some noise that was almost, but not quite, a laugh.  
“You think I'd expect to anything out of that woman for free? If it's just information, though, an arm or a leg should do it.”  
“You wouldn't!You're bluffing! That would weaken your fighting ability by – how much!!? You wouldn't do that... not just to find out about my past... not just for that...” Fai was shaking his head violently while he said this, and he'd started to cry again.  
Kurogane simply looked at him. “Do you honestly think that I'm bluffing?”  
Fai only gazed back.  
“So make your choice. Tell me, or I'll have the witch tell me.”  
Fai's gaze wandered over the room, lost, and then dropped back to the bed. Then he started to talk, in a whisper, on and on and on until he had finished. Kurogane stood over him the whole time, not saying anything, not moving at all.  
“When we were very little, me and my brother were imprisoned by the emperor of our country. We were the children of his brother, but we were twins, so everyone said we brought disaster on the country. They couldn't kill us, because that would bring even more bad luck. So they imprisoned in a valley where magic didn't work – it was the place they threw criminals and sinners. We were kept the for – I don't know how many years. It was a long time, anyway. Then, one day, the man who scattered Sakura-chan's feathers appeared to me. He said that he could free one of us, but only one, and told me to choose which of us it would be. I chose... that I would live, escape, while my brother would die. I killed my own brother to save myself. That man he could be brought back to life, though. But I would have to go on a journey – a journey between worlds, to collect the princess' of Clow Country's memories. He said that the journey was necessary in order to achieve his dream, and that I would go on it in order to protect the princess and to help the clone he had made – Shaoran-kun - to find her feathers. And... to eliminate anyone who tried to interfere. Like the fourth person he had intended to send on the journey, for instance. A young warrior from the land of Suwa, who had become the subordinate of someone close to this man's enemy. He also told me where to find several feathers – fragments of the princess' memories. He told me that I could use one to keep my twin's body from rotting, and that I should take the other with me on the journey. He said that he couldn't risk the princess' dying from the loss of her memories, so when we reached the first world I was to return that feather to her.” He paused, then continued. “I *will* bring my brother back to life. No matter what I have to do.”  
Then he stopped speaking and simply waited. He wondered where Souhi was. Did Mokona have it, or was it here, in Kurogane's room? He very much hoped that Mokona had it. If Mokona had it, then perhaps, somehow, he could avoid fighting Kurogane. Please... But he didn't want to look and see. He preferred to sit looking at the sheets, and hope for just a little longer... Then Kurogane spoke.  
“I see. So that's it.”  
“Yes.”  
Fai heard Kurogane move and he made himself look up and get ready for what would come next. What he saw, though, was Kurogane's back as he left the room and shut the door behind him. In the second after the door was closed, it struck Fai that there was really no-one who cared about him now. Fai was dead. King Ashura was in a deep, deep sleep. When they woke up, Sakura, Mokona and Shaoran would hear about everything that he'd done, and hate him. And Kurogane -Kurogane already hated him.  
Fai slumped down on the bed, and manoeuvred himself so he could bury his face in the pillow. It smelt like Kurogane, and he thought about all the times he'd layen on the other man's bed, post-coital. He could almost hear Kurogane asking asking him to stay, wanting to cuddle him, to hold him tight and just lay there with him. Now that things had come to this he wished that he had stayed, just once. If he'd stayed, he would be able to remember what it felt like to be held in someone's arms and loved. As it was, his only had smutty memories of sex – fulfilling to the body, but not the heart. He had never even come close to emotional fulfilment, he thought. Whenever someone had cared for him, it had come to nothing. He had chosen to kill Fai, King Ashura had sunk into madness, and Kurogane... But that had been impossible from the start. And, after all, he was only living so that he could give Fai back his life. After that, there would be nothing. After that, he could peacefully cease to exist. He wished, with all his heart, that the moment would come soon. 

***

While Fai was engaged in these thoughts, Kurogane was engaged in sneaking into Sakura's bedroom. He knew the princess was asleep so he opened the door quietly, trying not to wake her. Anyone who did not know his former profession would have been surprised at how little noise Kurogane made as he tiptoed toward the bed. The lightest of sleepers would have slept on undisturbed, so it was no surprise that the exhausted princess didn't waken. Tentatively, hardly daring to breath, the man reached a hand towards the sleeping girl... and extricated the small, white creature that was loosely clasped in her arms.  
Mokona was a very deep sleeper and barely woke up as Kurogane bore him into the sitting room. It was only after the ninja resorted to pouring cold water on him that the little creature finally wakened.  
“Waaaaaaaah! Kurogane, that was meeeean! Mokona is going to tell Yuuko on you!”  
“Sorry, but you wouldn't wake up.”  
“It's the middle of the night, of course Mokona was sound asleep!” The little creature sat up and looked around. “Why is Mokona in the sitting room, anyway? And what does Kurogane want to wake Mokona up for?”  
“I want to talk to the witch.”  
“To Yuuko?”  
“Yes.”  
Mokona was fully awake now, and he could see that Kurogane was acting oddly. He seemed tense, unhappy.  
“Kurogane? What's wrong?” Then a thought struck Mokona. “Is something wrong with Fai?”  
“Never mind. Just let me talk to the witch.”  
“There is something wrong with Fai, isn't there! What happened? Tell Mokona! Is it bad? Will Fai be all right?”  
“I don't know. I don't know. But if I'll do my damnedest to make sure he is!” Kurogane clenched his fist in anger. “That idiot! Who just gives up their life that easily...! I can't stand by and watch any more!”  
“Kurogane?”  
“It's nothing. Now get me the witch.”  
Yuuko was doing her hair when they contacted her. She greeted Mokona as usual, then turned to Kurogane with an amused smile on her face.  
“Kurogane. How unusual for *you* to contact me.”  
“There's something I want to ask you.” Kurogane said bluntly.  
“Yes? Or would you rather that Mokona slept so talk in private?”  
“No, the meat-bun can stay. I want him to listen, so that he can vouch for what I asked you if need be.”  
The witch's smile disappeared and she became serious.  
“As you wish. I will tell you what ever you want but there will be a price, as I'm sure you know.”  
“I wouldn't expect *you* to give me anything for free.”  
“Well then, what is it you want to know?”  
“It's about that mage's past.”  
Yuuko nodded, as if she'd expected as much. “You want me to tell you about it?”  
“Not exactly. He told me a few things himself. That he and his brother were imprisoned, that he killed his brother to get out, and the real reason he came on this journey.”  
The witch raised her eyebrows in surprise. “He told you a surprising amount.”  
“But that *can't* be true!!” This was from Mokona. “Fai wouldn't kill his brother! Fai is a good person! He'd never...!”  
“I don't believe it either. That self-sacrificing bastard isn't capable of saving himself at someone else's expense, not if they begged him. There's something fishy about the whole thing.”  
“And you want to know if you are correct?”  
“I want to know what really happened. That's all.”  
“Very well. I will show you.”  
The image that Mokona was projecting turned fuzzy and the witch disappeared. Then the picture cleared again, but it no longer showed the witch's dressing room. Instead they saw a wall with corpses piled below it, and on top of the corpses sat a golden-haired child, so thin that he might have been a corpse himself. And so Kurogane saw Fai's past. He saw the deal that Fei Wang Read offered to the twins – and he witnessed the real Fai's response. Then he saw how Fai – once Yuui – had been tricked into becoming Fei Wang's Pawn and, finally, he saw King Ashura come and take the child to Celes. Then the vision faded, and the witch's face appeared once more.  
Yuuko said nothing, but her eyes looked over the dark haired man, assessing his reaction to what he had just seen. His whole body was tensed, as if he was in pain. The look on his face, though, told her that he was angry as well. The witch waited, watching him, until he finally spoke.  
“So the mage is actually called Yuui.”  
“Are you upset that you never knew his real name?”  
Kurogane didn't answer so, after a pause, Yuuko spoke again.  
“So, what will you do with the knowledge you have gained?”  
“About that. There's one more thing I want from you.”  
“And what is that?”  
“I want the mage to see what you just showed me. I want him to know what really happened, so that he can stop feeling guilty and finally live for himself.”  
The witch smiled. “Very well. Though the price will become higher, as I'm sure you know. I will send a crystal containing these images to Mokona. If you press it against Fai's forehead he will see what I just showed you.”  
Kurogane nodded. “Thank you.”

***

As soon as Kurogane left the sitting room he went to look for Fai. Since the groups apartment was just big enough to accommodate them, this was not a very lengthy job. He was sure the mage would not be in the princess' or Shaoran's bedrooms, and he could not be in the sitting room either. That left Kurogane's room, Fai's own room, or the kitchen – not a very extensive choice. Of course, Fai might have left the house, he thought, but the apartment's front door was old and noisy and he would surely have heard it opening. No, the mage must still be in the house.  
He began by checking his own room, just in case the Fai hadn't bothered to leave. It was empty now, though, with only some crumpled blankets to show that anyone had been there since the morning (Kurogane always made his bed very carefully). Fai's room was next door, so he went to it and knocked. There was silence for a few seconds, and then he was answered by a rather hesitant “Who is it?”  
“Me.”  
His only answer was more silence, and after a few minutes he lost patience and opened the door. Fai sat cross-legged on his bed, his face towards the door.  
“What is it Kurogane? It's rude to barge into other people's rooms, you know.”  
“Well, it didn't seem like you were going to tell me to come in.”  
“And it never occurred to you that that might be because I don't *want* you to come in?”  
“I don't care if you do or not!”  
“I thought that might be the case. Well then, since I don't suppose you'll leave; what do you want, Kurogane?”  
“To talk to you.”  
“I don't see that there's anything to talk about.” Fai shuffled round so his back was to Kurogane.  
“There is! Because I asked the witch to show me your past, and you didn't kill your brother! You were tricked by the bastard that scattered the princess' feathers!”  
Fai turned to face Kurogane so fast that he half fell. “Shut up!”  
“I won't!”  
“Shut up! Get out! Don't you dare...! Don't you *dare* try to trick me!”  
“I'm not! I'm just telling you the truth! Or is that bastard more trustworthy than me!”  
“Kurogane! Please stop it!” To the ninja's horror, Fai started to cry - tears flooding down his face accompanied by pitiful, heartbroken little sobs.  
In a more gentle voice Kurogane said: “Mage, I wouldn't lie to you about this.”  
“You would! You would! You'd do it so that I wasn't a danger to you and the kids any more! Or because you hate me, and want to see me hurting! And I don't blame you for it... but please. Please stop...” Fai put his face in his hands and stood there, shaking and sobbing.  
Kuorgane stood there, watching his loved one's pain and wanting more than ever before to hold him, to comfort him, to be able to *do* something for him. Well, he could do that last one, anyway. Kurogane moved forward and grabbed Fai so suddenly that the mage, though he'd been prepared for some act of violence, had no time to react. They fell to the floor with Kurogane on top, pinning Fai to the floor. Fai tried to yell but Kurogane covered his mouth, pinning the blonde's head to the floor at the same time.  
Then he pressed the crystal to Fai's forehead.  
Fai's whole body stiffened for a second, then went limp. His arms stopped trying to push Kurogane away and he simply lay there, eyes glazed, twitching occasionally.  
“Mage?” Kurogane asked, but there was no response. He thought for a minute, then scooped Fai's thin body off the floor and placed it on the bed. He sat down beside it and stared, wistfully, at the mage's delicate face. After a while he gave into temptation and hauled him into his lap. Fai's head lolled limply on his shoulder, blonde hair tickling his neck. Long limbs flopped lifelessly in various directions. If it hadn't been for Fai's quick, uneven breathing, Kurogane would have thought he was dead.  
Kurogane sat like that for what seemed a long time, feeling Fai's warmth and waiting for him to open his eyes. At last, at long last, he haired the rhythm of his breathing change. He shifted the man's position in his lap a little, to allow him to see his face. The mage's eyelids flickered, opened, his eyes tried to focus – and then filled with tears.  
“Kuro-rin? Was it real? Was what I saw just now real?” He asked.  
“Yes. The white meat-bun can vouch for it if you don't believe me.”  
The tears in Fai's eyes overflowed and he started to bawl like a little child.  
“Fai! Faaaai! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!”  
Then his voice became obscured by sobs, and he burried his face in Kurogane's chest and cried and cried and cried. 

***

It took a long time for Fai to cry himself out, but eventually his sobs died away to little hiccoughs and sniffs. Kurogane, who had been holding him tightly all this time, loosened his arms a little bit and peered down at the mage.  
“How are you feeling?” He asked.  
Fai looked up and gave him a slightly wet smile. He looked a bit crumpled from being buried in Kurogane's chest so long.  
“Not too bad considering.”  
“Do you want anything? Are you thirsty?”  
“Not particularly but... there is something I want.”  
Kurogane stroked Fai's hair and smiled.  
“So you're finally willing to rely on other people a little. What do you want?”  
“Well, we've been fighting for the better part of a week, and before that we were in shared accommodation, so what with one thing and another it's been *ages* since we had sex... Wait, Kuro puu, where are you going?!”  
Kurogane had removed Fai from his lap in a most unceremonious manner and was now heading towards the door. He turned round, and Fai could see from his face that he was genuinely angry.  
“Just so you know, mage, I'm not renewing that friends-with-benefits relationship we had before Tokyo – ever.”  
“What- no! That's not what I meant! It's just that now I can freely admit that I'm in love with Kuro-pipi, so I thought we could be lovers! Unless...” Despite being rather dehydrated at the moment, Fai's eyes filled with new tears. “Unless you hate me now, after all. I thought maybe you didn't, because you found out what really happened, and hugged me and everything but...” He looked up at Kurogane like a puppy that has had a nasty trick played on it. Kurogane looked back, trying to hold in his emotions.  
“You *are* serious about this? Because if you turn round in a few days and say you've changed your mind, I will *never* forgive you.”  
“O-of course I'm serious. But... does this mean that Kuro-tan doesn't hate me?” Fai looked adorably hopeful, like a puppy who has been told that it might get fed after all.  
Kurogane's only answer was to grab Fai and kiss him as hard as he could. It was a messy kiss, and rather forceful, because Kurogane simply could not hold back his want any longer.  
People often say that when you get the thing you believe you want more than anything, it never makes you as happy as you expected. Kurogane disagreed. At this moment, he was happier than he had ever been, and far happier than he had ever imagined it was possible for a person to be. The emotion was so strong that Kurogane, never the best at expressing himself, had no idea what to do with it. So he kissed Fai as passionately as he could, and the kissing was followed by other things, and after that they just lay in each other's arms and snuggled. After a while, Fai spoke.  
“Kuro-sama, do you love me?”  
“You already know the answer to that.”  
“Well, I do know but...”  
“If you know, then why are you bothering to ask?”  
“Because I want to hear Kuro-mu say 'I love you'.” Fai was mumbling a little now. “Nobody has ever said that to me before...”  
“Ah... erm... I... love you.”  
Fai sniggered in the most irritating manner possible. “You were blushing when you said that, weren't you Kuro-pipi?”  
“Shut up!”  
Fai laughed and cuddled closer. “I love you to, Kuro-sama. I love you so, so much.”


End file.
